Thoughts on Emotions and Sun Rays

I’ve decided what my favorite emotion is, but I don’t know that I can come up with its name.  Here’s my best effort: inspired with butterflies just before dusk when the light is so perfect and slanted that everything you see would make the most wonderful picture, especially that spider web between the branches of a short, broad, strong tree, when all you need is a fantastic .  Anyone with me?  So often, I yearn for this feeling, wishing I could just be giddily inspired by something, anything, but I’m  usually disappointed, left with a heaviness in my soul and an empty memory card.

How ridiculous is that?!  That the presence or absence of a temporary, fleeting emotion can make or break whatever may be happening in my life at any given time.  As if the angle of sunset could really make that much of a difference in my life, my soul (though it does make an enormous difference in photographs).  I suppose I’m mostly just frustrated that I’m still so wrapped up in things that will die, suns that will set, emotions that will change and so far from the One who is the most constant utopia for my florescent-hating spirit.

I came across this article, this crazy article, about life-longings, about where we, as humans, believe our true meaning and joy and fulfillment and euphoria can be found.  You know what everyone wanted?  To be loved, by others, themselves, society, you name it.  They wanted everything to be “okay”, for everything to fall into place, just like that perfect light angle.  That’s what we, the world, believe will bind us into communion with jubilation.  And it doesn’t change, at least not noticeably, as we age.  Sure, the specifics may go from “I want a boyfriend” to “I want a child” to “I want better relationships with my grandkids in Illinois” – but isn’t it all the same?  We’re never satisfied.

I’m feeling like a broken record, having written on this before (see my post from last October) – My heart tells me to just get over it, deal with the fact that it’s never going to go away, but my soul is pleading “No! Don’t settle for this! You know where joy is!  You know WHO joy is!”  And my soul is right – I do know Who joy is, and I know where it comes from.  Check out this cool list of joy by John Piper.

Feeling so convicted behind this techy safety net, friends, that my joy so often lies in the hands of my emotions, my relationships, my belongings and not my Savior.  Join me in seeking what Piper calls “Paul-like joy” – joy that abounds regardless of circumstance.


Conflicts and a Mustache.

Another dawn, another Monday.  Whether this excites or horrifies you, it’s here.  I sit behind the student desk at work with eyes swollen by sneaky night-ninja allergies, reflecting upon the last three days, wondering what the heck is going on.

I’ve always felt a little conflicted, and I think that’s good.  Not necessarily over any specific subject.  I mean generally conflicted, in everything. As a christian who realizes the sin and pain of the world alongside the joy and celebration of eternity with my Jesus, I don’t really see anything wrong with feeling joy in sorrow, or feeling a little down during celebration. This weekend, I think, demonstrated vividly just how hand-in-hand joy and sorrow really are in the life of someone longing for Jesus to return.

Here are a few conflicts I wrestled with this weekend:

1) Fellowship and disappointment (both within the Body and in ministry)

2) The fact that I think I like Fantastic Mr. Fox the movie better than the book – that never happens.

3) Catcher in the Rye

4) Death and celebration of ETERNAL LIFE

5) Flesh vs Spirit

6) Exhaustion and excitement

So here I am, battling to understand why, and wishing Jesus would just come back right now, but not wanting to leave just yet, and feeling so absolutely inadequate of His grace but trying to live within and through it, and trying to share it with others who so desperately need it, and wondering how the heck to love someone you care so deeply about when they are experiencing pain so profoundly horrifying that you have no chance of genuine sympathy.

O, Lord, how long must the battle rage before You return? You, O Victorious King, are the answer, I know that full well.  But the present evil is blinding. Burst forth in Your brilliant light and truth, Father! Put to rest the transgressions of our flesh and soothe the aching hearts of Your beloved children.  Though the horrors of this world seem monumental in comparison to our feeble bodies, we celebrate the victory of Your Son, Jesus on the Cross.  We sing and dance in expectant jubilation, though we do so with weary bodies. Restore us, Father.

And there’s my weekend.

But today, ladies and gentlemen, is most definitely a day to be thankful.  Why?  Because 22 years ago, the one and only David ‘mustache maniak’ Noble was born.

Praise Jesus for this young man.  Really.  Now, I may be biased, as he is, in fact, my boyfriend, but I really think that he is one of the most wonderful people in the world.  Here are some reasons why:

1) He loves Jesus.  A lot.  I mean it.

2) Because he loves Jesus so much, he loves other people really well and he loves them a lot.  “Other people” includes me, and I’m really thankful for that.

3) He’s hilarious – if you haven’t had a chance to experience his humor, make one.

4) He has a lot of really nice character traits that are a bit cliche but really genuine and awesome.  A few examples: he’s loyal, trustworthy, honest, humble, consistent, responsible, hard-working, gentle, talented, driven, etc.

5) He is super handsome. I mean, super crazy handsome. (See photo above.  Stay back, ladies)

6) Did I mention that he loves me really well?  He does.

7) He’s brilliant, really he is.  He would say otherwise, but that’s just because he’s humble.  He’s so smart.  I really like that about him.

8) He puts up with all of my crap, my sin, my sob-sessions and speaks so much truth to me, even when I hate hearing it.

9) He keeps me grounded.  But he still lets me be a dreamer.  He’s a dreamer, too. I’m getting sappy.  It’s hard not to.  He’s so wonderful.  I could probably write a book about how cool he is.  He’s a rapper, for pete’s sake! Gosh.  I am a lucky girl.

All this being said, happy birthday, David.  We’re glad you’re here.  I’m glad you’re here.