a midsummer night’s dream

With a title like the one beginning this post, you may be expecting some really nice words; like “balance” or “misty” or “just a little bit odd”.  Those are things that enter my dreamy little brain when I think of summer and dreaming and sleeping and fireflies and christmas lights in the trees.  And I so wish I could write about such things!  You know, I don’t believe that dreams should ever be sad.  What a terrible thing, sad things taking over your brain even when you’re asleep and totally unable to distract your thoughts with something kind and even moderately pleasant.  How lovely it would be to be able to have full confidence in the head  finally resting on the pillow to produce only pictures like this one while your eyes darted around in a fit of REM sleep.  But friends, I know all too well that this dream of dreams is vastly different from reality.

I’ve been plagued with unpleasant dreams for as long as I can remember, which is a pretty long time.  I  remember dreaming about my brother in the few days after he was born (when I was a mere 3 years old) about a Tyrannosaurus Rex storming our house in hopes of eating my brother (who in the dream was actually..two babies..).  Knowing the monster was coming for my new siblings, I darted into their bedroom and replaced their pudgy, soft bodies with two circular saw blades, which the T-Rex ate, killing him instantly.

Around that time, I had another dream about stealing my parents car and driving it into a ditch.  It was their Nissan Maxima, which they sold when I was roughly 5 years old.

Now don’t get me wrong.  I have pleasant dreams every once in a while, praise Jesus.  But recently, my dreams have been absolutely terrible.  They’re not even that far-fetched, which makes the situation epically worse.  They’ve been about things in my past, dark things, things I try my darndest not to remember all day long, but my silly brain just can’t go without dwelling on them at all, so these memories, fears and regrets manifest themselves when I don’t have any say over whether or not they can occupy my thoughts.  Unfair?  I’d say so.  It’s like my last post, about needing to clean out our brains so we can let the good in.  I have so much junk up there that I can’t even go through it while I’m awake!  Sin has such power to overtake every single waking AND SLEEPING moment of one’s life.  But I will not let this win.  Romans 8:21, “…that the creation itself will be set free from its bondage to corruption and obtain the freedom of the glory of the children of God,”.  That’s what I want to consume me!  Not stupid dreams and trying to pick them apart and analyze them and feel defeated by my inability to fight sin on my own.  What  a silly thought – fighting sin alone.

That being said, consider this my manifesto, my declaration of war against my resting brain.  No, I’m not going to abandon sleep.  But I am going to figure this thing out and claim victory over these dreams.  By the grace of God, my sleep will be sweet once more.

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